I'M PERFECTLY FINE! - Medicine Phobia
by LadyPorpoise
Summary: Why do Aragorn, Legolas, and the twins hate, HATE, taking medicine that has anything to do with pain relief and/or sleep? Especially from each other or Elrond? Especially if the pain they are in MUST be killing their sanity whenever they go on adventures? Here are their stories on what instilled their pharmacophobia.
1. Elladan and Elrohir

_A/N I have been thinking of something to try and write in memory of my wisdom-teeth, that happened at the beginning of the year. I am thankful that I was not very loopy and didn't say anything too bizarre...but, I guess that is where some of the humor/relief comes from after such trauma, just spouting some random stuff and staring at something like it was the most incredible/meaningful thing in the world. An interesting experience to say the least._

 _May life treat everyone well._

* * *

 **Elladan and Elrohir: When you are not warned beforehand on what the side effects could be when consuming your medicine, and when you have a body chemistry that needs a small overdose, or you don't get the relief promised to you. And when the person giving you the medicine happens to be the most well-renowned healer of the age, and happens to be your father, who did not know the chemistry and needed to experiment on the dose (for better service in the future, except trust issues are now present). Plus, brains are strange under medicinal influence.**

* * *

Elrond messed up.

He was too confident in his abilities.

As a healer, _the_ best, one should add, he should have taken precautions.

He was going to regret this for the rest of his days.

Erestor and Glorfindel were standing before their lord, the former having a slightly dead panned look while the latter looked sympathetic. Elrond was pinching his nose so hard it should be close to breaking.

He was too confident.

"You should not have let them see me when they were younger." Erestor said finally, flat out blunt.

"Would you have denied a child's curiosity about their father's work?" Glorfindel questioned, turning to face his colleague and friend.

Erestor stared at the golden-head, "If I could think straight, and were I not drooling like a fool and whining for my wife's touch, I would have locked the door to everyone except Elrond and you." The laiquendë looked back at Elrond; who was still probably breaking the cartilage in his nasal passages, "And if I had known the twins have somehow managed to inherit _my_ problem when it comes to taking those medicines…"

It was go big, or it would be ineffective.

Glorfindel made a face, "How could any of us have known? Well…maybe some warnings beforehand may have helped, so they could have been prepared in the event there was unwanted…"

"Hit me." Elrond ground out.

The two lords shot their eyes back to the master of the vale. Whenever Elrond requested that…

He was serious.

Erestor blinked, "Ah…I do not think I heard that quite right?"

"Yes you did, you have one the sharpest pair of ears in this place." Elrond stared at both of them, "Hit me."

Glorfindel shook his head, "Nay, lord, you do not need to be sla-"

"Then slap EACHOTHER!" Elrond yelled. Glorfindel and Erestor looked very frightened by this outburst given their bulging eyeballs. Elrond sighed and composed himself, putting on a fake smile and then a sweet, dangerous, slightly sarcastic tone to his voice, "I am sure you both have something you would like to hurt each other for. Please, for me, my _dear_ friends, humor this old elf and let him hear a slap to the face. I will regret this day forever. I just _know_ it."

"I HAVE A SISTER?!" Exclaimed a very emotional voice from beyond the closed door behind Elrond.

"Yes, dear!" Came Celebrían's soothing, maybe slightly desperate voice (not that elves high on concentrated medicine would discern that part), "You have had one for many years!"

Erestor and Glorfindel felt bad after hearing this. They both gave their master a look that said: 'you really did it wrong'. But the two councilors face each other, and prepared their hands.

Erestor hit first. And it sounded _loudly_.

"That was for Thôn's eyes falling out."

'…over a decorated pine-cone?' Elrond thought confused. He did not understand Erestor sometimes. Or him and Glorfindel's games. Especially their ongoing tally on who can sneak up on each other without the other noticing, until they are clinging to a beam in the ceiling from fright.

No one has ever said in the textbooks that Elves were mature or behaved as such _all_ the time.

Glorfindel rubbed a hand on his cheek, grinning slightly before returning the slap with full force. Erestor has teeth of mithril to not have lost some there.

"And that is for conspiring against me with our tree."

The great oak, taller than any other in the valley, that was planted when Rivendell was founded. Erestor and Glorfindel was its main caretakers, given they planted it. Elrond has learned that elves that are called green elves really know how to talk to trees.

Erestor inclined his head, "Thank you." He said kindly.

They looked back to Elrond.

"I feel better now." Elrond admitted, "But I wish it was me to receive it."

"Do not lose hope," Glorfindel said, cautiously, "I believe the lady Celebrían would be more than willing to give the face-slap of your life soon."

* * *

And that is why the twins never like taking their pain-medicine or sleep-medicine, for the emotional mess Elrohir becomes, and Elladan the sulkiest elf-gollum in all of Middle-Earth. Especially if the medicine was made by their father, and by a certain human who happened to be trained by said father years later. Who was also adopted.


	2. Legolas

_A/N I didn't know where to go with this one. This might not be as funny as the first chapter, but hopefully it has done its job. This chapter might be more parody oriented, given what happens in torture-angst Legolas & Aragorn/twins/etc...My Legolas is a bit different, if/when I write stories about him. :p Thank you to those who favorited, followed, and reviewed. Emel is another word for mother._

 _I have written the rest of this fic out...and I will put it simply: it got stupider and stupider that it isn't realistic in any way shape or form and shouldn't be taken seriously, as it got a bit out of control from using sensible reasons for our heroes' fear. But I hope it will make you laugh regardless. This whole thing is a parody anyway._

* * *

 **Legolas: After being a hobo for ex amount of years during your reckless youthful years, you become a bit paranoid of people and constructed society in general, even of the people trying to help you. It might be because the constructed society did not suit well with your Avarin blood (a wild elf in other terms) and drove you out in the first place. Or telling your mother you will bring her honor by becoming a true Avar for a number of years despite her warnings of going alone. Or the uncanny desire to go on an adventure and may inevitably become seriously injured. Of course, you do not have that tendency in this universe, do you?**

 **Only said traumatic injuries and encounters only came at you head strong when you first refused to take your medicine of your own free will.**

 **Enemies will learn about this, and they will take advantage of it. It is in the Super Villain Handbook after all: Take advantage of your enemy, especially when said enemy doesn't help themselves concerning pain relief.**

 **Well…you were not exactly in your right mind when this first happened anyway, and thus the first experience only influenced you to never accept help again.**

* * *

Thranduil had his eyes covered with his hand. He was mulling over the designs of their home (The forest had not become infested at this time. It was still called Greenwood). Apparently living in a giant, complicated tree with its branches able to be used as highways had its bad aspects too.

You know it is bad when you have a bunch of healers standing under a giant branch, trying to figure out how to climb it from that place instead of traversing to another place in order to reach their patient.

His son _was_ clever, to outsmart the healers, even with a broken leg. And whatever other injuries the prince had acquired over the years of his long adventure. Now, would that cleverness be executed _correctly_ , and not be some mad-elf who would not even let his closest friends come near.

Oh, it was not a tragedy like it is in all cases to learn that your child has lost their mind. Legolas was not _mad_ in that sense. He was…too energetic to be healthy. The healers blamed it on contaminated food, or mushrooms. Thranduil guessed that Legolas did not research edible foliage before he left.

Why contaminated food: if Legolas were insane, he would be a lot more violent and angry. Legolas in fact was just very, very _happy_ , goofy, and childish in his unwillingness to cooperate. Or so the report went…

Hyper active.

Still, the king would learn all that has happened over the years, as Legolas was now a little over a century old. The perfect age to still be unwise and…adventurous. They had not stopped him either.

Thranduil sighed, lowering his hand and looking up at the branch, "Legolas, come back down from there so that we can see you. No doubt you are hurting."

Legolas could not be seen; the branch was just that wide to keep him hidden. But it did not prevent Legolas from moving a stick so it poked out into the air.

Thranduil scowled, "Stop this nonsense!" He growled and proceeded to climb.

"NO!" Legolas exclaimed loudly, "Don't do it!"

"Do what?"

"That!"

Thranduil deadpanned, as well as all the other healers.

"You aren't poking me with sticks! I forbid it!"

"Legolas, they are not going to poke you with sticks."

Legolas' head peeked from the side of the branch and he _stared_.

"I know what you do…You will do stuff to me without me knowing!"

"No one said you have to-"

"My lord…" One of the healers said meekly, "We _need_ to sedate him. He is too jumpy and energetic for us to help him otherwise."

"What is going on?" The queen. Eregnis exhaled wearily.

"Our youngest has returned." Thranduil answered in a sigh as well.

The queen blinked: elated at first, then she looked at the scene going on.

"Emel!" Legolas said happily, but looked afraid and hid on the branch again.

Eregnis shook her head, motioning with her hand to the healer with the sedation dart. She took and hid it, before climbing up the branch and sitting on it. Everyone below watched.

The queen smiled warmly at her son, "Hello, Legolas."

"Emel." The hyper elf said, though he made no effort to go to her. She thought she heard some wheezing going on.

Erenis crawled to her son instead, "Can you tell me what you saw on your expedition?"

Legolas grinned, "Trees, Emel, so similar like this one, but different! Oh thorns, I saw the great plain to the east too. I think at some point I thought about finding Cuiviénen, but I don't remember when that was or if I tried…" Legolas started rambling, too quick for even the elf-maid to decipher.

"You are injured." She stated softly.

Legolas' cheery face turned into a frown, "Yes, but I intend to live it out. Emel, we didn't have the knowledge we do now in regards of healing back then, so I intend to live through the pain to appreciate times past and what my forebears went through."

Some of the healers below gasped at this admission.

Eregnis frowned in disapproval, "Greenleaf, you are taking this a bit too far. Come down and let them help you."

"No. They will poke me with sticks and needles. Oh, I saw some BIG spiders also!"

"How big?"

Legolas made a space between his hands that was two feet across, "The healers…they must have their stingers for their purposes. I am not being stung, Emel, I refuse to be stung!"

"They do not have spider stingers…"

Legolas must have hit his head. Or maybe it was mushrooms.

She put on a smile and slowly moved to embrace him. Legolas allowed it.

"Oh, my sweet boy…" Eregnis murmured.

Legolas felt a prick in his side.

He scrammed to remove it. When he had the dart, he stared wide eyed in disbelief.

"No…how could you?" He whined.

"Let them help you, dear. I am not going to let your obsession inhibit you for the rest of your life."

Legolas pressed his face into her stomach and made an elongated "No" into her.

The healers started climbing and others were preparing a blanket to carry the prince in.

"Pokey trees hurted me." Legolas ground out, trying to fight the medicine.

"Why did they do that?"

"I was doing mean things to them. Or painting on them…they didn't like that I suppose."

Eregnis snorted, as did Thranduil below, at the thought of Legolas painting trees.

"I don't like sharp things." Legolas mumbled and slumped over, "I don't like herbs."

He has not had any need of them until now.

They dragged the prince off the branch and onto the blanket, and took him away.

Thranduil climbed up the branch to sit next to his queen.

"Is this a final phase before he is truly an adult?" Eregnis said as she rubbed her forehead.

"Perhaps…or he really desires to be completely reliant upon his own power and without the help of others."

"I hope not. This is the first instance he needed their help in that sense…I hope his stubborn pride will not get in the way when he is almost dead."

* * *

Somewhere in the giant tree, two tiny spiders sat on a tiny branch watching the youngest prince of Greenwood be healed. One of the spiders had a tiny Ashwood pencil and paper.

"Put this as a new page on the new handbook." One of them squeaked to the other.

Legolas woke up and stared with distrust at those around him, "N-never again. I-I w-will n-never again b-be caught unawares! Y-you have m' wurd…" He passed out again.

The spider wrote those words down.

The other spider shod a tear, "Our descendants will be so proud of us, and whoever else finds this paper…we will help them in their world domination even when we are long dead, or have been squished!"

"One problem…"

"What would that be?"

"How in the void are they going to read this piece of dust?"

* * *

And that is how Legolas became suspicious of all that is pointy and sharp, especially in the hands of any trained healer, or even his mother. And why he hates being put to sleep against his will, because he is then not able to bring his family honor by trying to kill himself through pain. Or was it a practice to become immune to pain, by always being in pain?

And also the story about how all villains of the Third-Age who hate elves, are seeking revenge, are serving the enemy, know to make sure to give the prince a heck of a time in their custody because Legolas does not really know what is best for him, even if he is nearly dead and likely will never be able to use his legs/arms/neck/back again. All to the great book "How to Villain 101" by Tiny the Spider, of Greenwood.


	3. Aragorn

**Aragorn: Learning that you are a descendent of Isildur after living a sheltered life all your years is a stressful and hard thing to take in. You go away from your home for many years, adventuring and travelling around the world, seeing new things, and serving people, and seeing your future kingdom. After thirty years of this, meeting a prince of Mirkwood with a phobia concerning sharp small objects, and now formally betrothed to your foster-father's daughter, you decide to go home and reunite with your former family.**

 **Only, you managed to get in the way of the twins trying to subdue an injured bear to help heal her, and then are reminded of traumatic events of your childhood about the time you lost a game, when you were so close to winning.**

* * *

Aragorn looked about the strange, but familiar, woods that existed before one finds the secret path into the valley. It has been so long since he had seen the elves he considered family, given his true father was slain before Aragorn was old enough to put events to memory. When his brothers related that event, it only seemed to make Aragorn angrier. They never told him.

The man sighed. That was years ago, and he had accepted his strange place in fate long before now.

He decided to walk the rest of the way and he dismounted. He grabbed the reigns of his horse and pulled him along.

What would they think? Would they welcome him? Would-OW!

He felt two pricks: one in his hand and one in his neck. He swatted his hand around, thinking he got stung by a bee (when did he aggravate one?) His heart rate slowly got higher, and his eyes bulged. His arms dropped to his sides and he gracefully fell onto the ground.

Aragorn felt his horse lick him on his face, but he was too petrified to move.

"Estel?!" A familiar voice called, "Elladan! Estel came back!"

"Why is he on the ground?"

"You shot him!"

"I thought it was the bear! Now he will never come home again after this!"

Aragorn _stared_ towards the sky…

* * *

 _Estel flung his net towards the younger twin. Blast, he missed. He had another growth spurt a few months ago and he had worked hard on building his strength, believing now, that he was almost as tall as an elf, he could manage to win this stupid game they had come up with years ago._

 _It was a trapping game. And it was completely harmless._

 _Obviously._

 _Now if he could only win for once in his life._

 _Estel managed to catch Elladan, who was dangling from a tree at this moment (when he last checked), now if he can catch Elrohir, he could have bragging rights._

 _Oh, he was close! Just a little closer…and…_

 _Something hit him and he stumbled._

 _Estel shook his head while running, lifting a hand to find the irritation and found a dart there. What in the world? He started stumbling and slowing down. No, he was going to succeed! He desperately threw his net in the air before he fell flat on his face. To his own misfortune, it was his own net that fell on him._

 _He caught himself._

 _Estel was rolled over onto his back: eyes wide and in shock. He saw Elladan and Elrohir's smug faces above his._

 _"H-how?" The mortal stuttered, his mouth going numb from whatever he was dosed with._

 _"You cannot keep an elf trapped, little one." One of them answered._

 _"B-b-bu-but…h-how?"_

 _"I can tell you after your nap. Hush now."_

 _Estel was mentally disturbed by this whole affair. He was so close…and now he lost…because of a sleeping potion?!_

 _He blacked out as the twins started removing the net from his person._

* * *

Aragorn came to lying in his own bed in his own chambers. He gave a sharp inhale and stared at the ceiling, trying to recover from his nightmare. There was no net, there was no net…he had not lost yet…

"Estel?" Called Elrond that was sitting in a chair.

"D-did I win?" Aragorn asked meekly.

Elrond smirked as he tried not to grin too much, "Yes, you won, my son."

* * *

And that is why Aragorn does not like sleeping potions, because he lost an intense game because of it, which led to him to form an anti-sleep policy in his life so he could, eventually, outsmart an elf and not be subject to their tricks any longer. He was going to _win_ , if it was the last thing he does.


	4. What Have we Learned?

**Lesson: Don't let four phobic persons near each other when they have the same phobia, especially when they are all injured. It will not turn out well.**

* * *

The missing entwives that day wondered if they could be left alone again, after seeing the changes in the children of Eru that have occurred over the last millennia.

Four people: three elves and a man, named Legolas, Elladan, Elrohir, and Aragorn, came walking and limping into their glade and set up camp. They had said nothing to each other when they settled down.

The peace lasted for a few moments, when one of the look-alikes looked to his companions, and said to the human first, "Let me see your wounds."

All the void broke lose.

The one called Legolas blurringly climbed up a tree (one of the entwives), and grabbed a stick, pointing it threateningly towards the other three, looking like a crazed animal as he hugged the entwife like his life depended on it. She had not appreciated that gesture too much.

The one called Aragorn ran to the base of another tree and hugged it too, his eyes big and red.

The look-alike that did not speak also ran away. After a few moments, the one that did speak looked uncomfortable and untrusting towards his comrades and skulked away to his own tree.

"I'm going to win…" Aragorn said in a hiss, "I am going to win, and _you_ aren't going to stop me!"

"Do not _dare_ poke me with your darts, you fiends!" Legolas screeched.

"We do not want to have emotional upset!" The twins cried simultaneously.

"Your teeth are falling out!" Aragorn yelled.

"Your legs have been turned to rock!"

"Your hands are flowers!" Legolas pointed his stick to the twins.

"YOU HAVE A FISH!"

A fish started flopping out of Legolas' pack.

The entwives just wanted to go to _sleep_. Was that too much to ask?

Then another strange phenomenon happened. There was a shooting sound from the trees, and the four yelling travelers' hands shot up to where they were shot.

They all groaned a long "no", and they all fell to the ground like they were dead.

More of the fair folk came into the glade: one group from Rivendell, and the other from Greenwood. One of them was Erestor (they liked Erestor, he was nice looking), and another was the crown-prince of the forest.

All the awake elves took in the scene, then a golden-haired elf said, "Pick them up and let us get back home."

All the elves left, and the entwives were at peace again. They wanted to tell others about this new sight…

But would anyone believe a tree on what they saw? Because, a tree's perspective on things may seem a little strange and bizarre. Maybe what they saw was not how it happened at all…

* * *

Elrond looked at his new charges in this special, isolated, padded room.

Legolas was strapped down to the bed and he struggled against them, biting and shouting unkind words, Aragorn was shock still from traumatic memory, and the twins were hiding in separate corners: one weeping and the other seething like an explosive mushroom.

Glorfindel was standing to Elrond's right, and Erestor was holding a paper and pen and standing at his left.

"What is your evaluation, master Elrond?"

"Family counselling for the twins and Aragorn…find some time in my schedule so I can sit down with them to try and resolve some…trust issues. Therapy for Legolas, and have slow exposure to thorns and small darts to show him that not all of them are bad or used for medicinal practice. Why in the world he is not afraid of _arrows_ is beyond me…"

"Should we prescribe family counselling for him too?"

"Yes, add that to the list, and send the falcon to Mirkwood. I am sure they have a good mind-healer over there."

"A thought." Glorfindel said.

"Yes?"

"Should we set up a tournament and have Aragorn participate, and purposely let him win? He is asking 'Did I win?' ever since he got here."

Elrond hummed, "I will think about it."

"You will not catch me unawares! I will not give in to your sorcery!" Legolas yelled as he kicked within his bonds.

"Did I win?" Aragorn whispered.

"Brother, when did we adopt a human?" Elrohir said tearfully trying to hug Elladan.

"Do not touch me." Elladan said grouchily and shoved the younger twin off.

Elrond sighed and rubbed his temples, "It is late…and they need sleep. Erestor?"

Erestor was grinning, "The potions are on their way, master Elrond. They will sleep for the next week."

And they all lived sleepily ever after…


End file.
